Four Weeks Already?

originally written 5-29-2012

4 weeks tomorrow!  I can hardly believe it.   Yesterday was the party for Steve, Bryan, Izzy and John and we hosted.  The weather was perfect, the kids ran and played and got dirtier than ever (think chips, melted chocolate ice cream and juicy juicy watermelon), and Tessie got passed around so everyone could hold her.  She didn’t make a peep, when she was awake she looked around calmly as could be and when it was time for her first bottle  (from Auntie Katie)  she didn’t hesitate and she eagerly drank it until it was gone.

Her next bottles were goofy because I’m not really exactly how much she drinks when she is nursing.   Since I had enjoyed margaritas at the picnic I wasn’t about to nurse her.    After she drained the first 2 ounces we waited about 20 minutes then gave her more.   So..  all in all I’d say she had her last bottle 9 :30ish.   At 4am I woke up startled that she was still sleeping and ran in to her room to check on her.  Yup.  Still breathing.   Then I woke her up to feed her.   It seems crazy to wake her up in the middle of the night, but she just seems tooo little to go that long without eating!!    The she only ate for 7 minutes  falling asleep again.   It was like a courtesy eating. So it was weird.  BUT..   I know she doesn’t have an eating disorder.  When she is hungry she wakes and she nurses.   She is healthy.  She is growing.  She has 2 chins and her diapers are getting tight on her thighs.    I just need to keep watching her to be sure she is eating.   I know now that most of the time she will sleep at least 4 hours when she first goes down, and then will eat exactly 3 hours after that, and after that.

She really is the best baby.   I love how still and content she is after she eats.   Sometimes she squirms and fights and turns her head so much when I am holding her  that I just have to put her down.   She is a girl who likes her space.  Even after a nap I will go look at her and see that she is wide awake and calm.   Like she is enjoying the silence or something.   Like me.

In the last few days it is apparent to me that she while she is calm and staring at our faces she will smile socially.    She will coo  and she will even stick out her tongue at us when we do it to her.   It’s the cutest and a huge thrill.   Yes, it seems mean to be sticking out your tongue at the baby but it feels like we’re talking and I love it.  Steve and I had the best time on Saturday night sticking out sour tongue out at her.  Then on Sunday morning when she woke up  she smiled at me and then stuck her tongue right out… as if to say “remember Mom??”    Yes baby.  I remember. 

She has gotten really good at running errands with me.   We have been to the grocery store a few times, the mall of America twice, Marshalls, and she even came with Izzy and Grandma Katie and I when we went to a restaurant for dinner after shopping.   Such a good girl!

This week I need to be better at snapping into action in the morning.  I feel like I need to get at least 3 hours of work done each day.  I think it would help if I could sit down with Steve and plan what needs to happen each day so I can feel a  little in control about what is happening- and so I can make sure to be focusing on  the right things at the right times.   The fact is, somedays I just can’t stop looking at her long enough to actually get anything done.

Adjusting to life with baby

The hardest thing about having a newborn is the weird reorganization of your life.   By that I mean that suddenly all of my days are lived in increments of 90 minutes.      The most important thing, obviously, is taking care of baby.  ( Nurse, play, change, sleep, repeat.  )   She eats every 3 hours which means that if she goes down for her nap easily, and if  she takes a solid nap I have 90 minutes for me while she is sleeping.

I know, I know, I should sleep when she sleeps but I’m not always ready for a nap.   Well, that and I’m getting much better at never actually sleeping but  surviving on a series of naps throughout the night.   Some mornings I get up and feel great at 7am.   Other mornings I keep sleeping with Tessie through her first morning nap and get up closer to 9 or 10.   Some days I can spend a few solid hours in the office, other days I am worthless the entire day and go to bed early.

But I digress.

It is weird to think about productivity in short, staccato like segments of time.   What can I do in 90 minutes?    Shower and pick up.    Sort through the inbox at work and organize what needs to be done.  Make a list.   Work on a quote.   Watch CSI and drink my coffee.  Run an errand.   Take a walk.   Make dinner.   Of course at least one of those chunks of time is busy with the baby not actually napping.   

I feel like I am doing a pretty good job with baby.   She is on a schedule – she eats every 3 hours and she is a good sleeper.   I am controlling the chaos in terms of random baby clutter, laundry and the always full diaper pail.   I am doing my best to eat real food through the day (but could always be better).   I am having a hard time  preparing an actual meal for us at a time we can eat .  I am somehow continually surprised when Steve leaves at 4pm for a night of appointments.   I panic when I realize he will have to eat whatever I make when he gets home at 9 or 10 or else eat fast food.     Some days I feel like every waking moment is thinking about feeding the baby and feeding her Dad.  I need to make sure both of them get the best possible meals, but I am just so tired some days it doesn’t happen.

I really struggle with keeping up in the office because even though I am adjusting to life with our newborn, the business plugs on.   Jobs keep coming in, shows keep happening,   someone, somewhere is  getting their windows installed, and that pile of work on the desk keeps getting bigger.    And, inevitably, when late afternoon rolls around and I want nothing more than to nap I am left with the work phone.  Someone will call,   someone will stop by, and something will need to be done RIGHT NOW.  

People offer to come help me and “hold the baby” while I sleep but that won’t help.   I need someone to do my job while I sleep.   I need someone to feed the baby so I can sleep longer so I can get my work done.   I need to not feel so tired and so drained that the easiest task in the world feels so hard that I can’t do it.   I need to feel productivity again in a format than constantly writing lists of what needs to be done.   Maybe really what I need is to get myself on a schedule – like the baby. 

And I need to have some time to be with my husband and baby.   Awake.   During the day.  When we can just be a family and enjoy each other outside of work and at a time when I don’t just want to say “take her I’m going to bed”.   

I know if Steve was writing this he would say he wants those same things.   He wants to feel some relief from the pressure of he needs to do  more in the office so I can do less.  He wants to feel that he has time he can spend with us too, without sacrificing running appointments and overall sales.    I know he feels the weight of the world on his shoulders.   I want to sit with him and brainstorm and work together to keep the business moving forward.  It is what we have done for years and it is weird for both of us to have me not able to do that right now.

Really, all I want is what we have.   To be blissfully aware of this amazing gift we have been given and to enjoy every moment with her – especially  while she is so very small.   I want us to remain grateful and thankful to each other for what the other is doing.   We are a team and even though our roles have shifted a bit, we are still the strongest when we work together.  

Monday we are hosting both of our families to celebrate his birthday (and a few others).    He would rather ignore his birthday but I just can’t do it.  I want to force him to take time off – to be surrounded by people who are happy to be with him and are happy that he was born.  Good food, good company, and good solid family time.   That is really what it’s all about, right?