So many visitors!!

Originally written 7-13

Dear Tessie, 

This week you’ve had lots of visitors.

Grandma Katie is working on a big project at work so she has to work in Minneapolis at least once a week.  This is perfect because it means she can zoom in to our house on the way home and talk and visit with you for an hour or so..   This last week she said she wants to see you all the time because she is afraid that before she knows it you’ll be a big girl and she will have missed the whole baby time.   I feel the same way and I see you every day!!

Auntie Em gets her haircut right by our house so she surprised us with a 15 minute visit before her appointment this week.   You are so happy to see her that you smiled really big and talked to her the whole time she was here.  It made it really hard for her to put you down and she was almost late. 

The paparazzi came over on Thursday afternoon for a few hours.   The paparazzi is what I call  Grandma Kathy, Great Grandma Lorraine and Great Auntie Pat.   Pat says she is an addict and she needs her Tessie Fix.  Grandma Lorraine just moved into a new apartment and it is still a little weird for her there.  She loves to get out and visit with you to take a break .  This week she wanted a picture to take back with her so she could brag to her new neighbors about how cute you are.  

Of course Grandma Kathy is your biggest fan.   She has her camera out before she gets into the house and she takes so many pictures of you!!    After she leaves she gets them printed and then she shows everyone at work and I think maybe everyone she sees.    (She did mention that even the man at the gas station where she gets her newspaper every Sunday has started calling her Grandma!).   She loves this, of course, because when you love your granddaughter as much as she loves you the best thing in the world to be called is Grandma!

The paparazzi usually comes every one or two weeks for the afternoon.  Not only do they take lots of pictures, but they hold you and love you up every second.   Then they tell you how smart you are, how pretty you are, what a nice girl you are, and how successful you are going to be.   They exclaim with delight over everything you do; even if it’s just you turn your head to watch them walk across the room.  I love it when they come over.  I think every little girl should have people who love her tell her how great she is every second.   It is like your own cheering squad.  It has to be good for your self esteem!  

Since they are clearly not here to see me, I usually run to the office to get some work done while they gush at you.    A few weeks ago I went to get a pedicure and this week your Dad and I ran out to get lunch together, talk about an upcoming meeting and run an errand.  

I know how much they like pictures so I need to remember to print some that I take to send to them, too.   It’s always fun to get a surprise in the mail right?

Love,Mom

PANIC.

Originally written 6-16-12

Panic set in with me yesterday.   Tessie is 7 weeks old and I already feel like my baby is getting so big.  Where has the time gone??   She is too big for the cradle so there it sits in our room..  empty.    I got all nostalgic last night remembering putting my  little newborn all swaddled up in there to sleep close to us.   

Now, its 90 degrees in the house so I put her to bed barely dressed at all and she sleeps all spread out in the crib.   She isn’t far  (16 steps, I counted) but she seems  SO far away.   And since she is a little farther away her cries are muffled.  I don't like that she has to cry for me.  I liked hearing her wake up.   Steve actually got to her first this morning and he was downstairs!!

Back to the panic.   Have I enjoyed her enough?   Am I interacting with her enough?    Did I snuggle with my peanut enough?  Do we have enough pictures?    Are we teaching her to sleep?   Do we have enough momentos from her teeny tiny newborn stage?    Now that I have a 7 week old I practically have a 2 month old and I don’t even think that counts as newborn anymore.    How did that haze of feed the baby, burp the baby, change the baby, feed the baby some more, play with the baby, put the baby to bed , try and get some work done, repeat..   actually extend for 7 whole weeks?      I am told this will not go away.   I am told that this panic is with me for life and will only intensify as she goes out into the world.      Crap.

Adjusting to life with baby

The hardest thing about having a newborn is the weird reorganization of your life.   By that I mean that suddenly all of my days are lived in increments of 90 minutes.      The most important thing, obviously, is taking care of baby.  ( Nurse, play, change, sleep, repeat.  )   She eats every 3 hours which means that if she goes down for her nap easily, and if  she takes a solid nap I have 90 minutes for me while she is sleeping.

I know, I know, I should sleep when she sleeps but I’m not always ready for a nap.   Well, that and I’m getting much better at never actually sleeping but  surviving on a series of naps throughout the night.   Some mornings I get up and feel great at 7am.   Other mornings I keep sleeping with Tessie through her first morning nap and get up closer to 9 or 10.   Some days I can spend a few solid hours in the office, other days I am worthless the entire day and go to bed early.

But I digress.

It is weird to think about productivity in short, staccato like segments of time.   What can I do in 90 minutes?    Shower and pick up.    Sort through the inbox at work and organize what needs to be done.  Make a list.   Work on a quote.   Watch CSI and drink my coffee.  Run an errand.   Take a walk.   Make dinner.   Of course at least one of those chunks of time is busy with the baby not actually napping.   

I feel like I am doing a pretty good job with baby.   She is on a schedule – she eats every 3 hours and she is a good sleeper.   I am controlling the chaos in terms of random baby clutter, laundry and the always full diaper pail.   I am doing my best to eat real food through the day (but could always be better).   I am having a hard time  preparing an actual meal for us at a time we can eat .  I am somehow continually surprised when Steve leaves at 4pm for a night of appointments.   I panic when I realize he will have to eat whatever I make when he gets home at 9 or 10 or else eat fast food.     Some days I feel like every waking moment is thinking about feeding the baby and feeding her Dad.  I need to make sure both of them get the best possible meals, but I am just so tired some days it doesn’t happen.

I really struggle with keeping up in the office because even though I am adjusting to life with our newborn, the business plugs on.   Jobs keep coming in, shows keep happening,   someone, somewhere is  getting their windows installed, and that pile of work on the desk keeps getting bigger.    And, inevitably, when late afternoon rolls around and I want nothing more than to nap I am left with the work phone.  Someone will call,   someone will stop by, and something will need to be done RIGHT NOW.  

People offer to come help me and “hold the baby” while I sleep but that won’t help.   I need someone to do my job while I sleep.   I need someone to feed the baby so I can sleep longer so I can get my work done.   I need to not feel so tired and so drained that the easiest task in the world feels so hard that I can’t do it.   I need to feel productivity again in a format than constantly writing lists of what needs to be done.   Maybe really what I need is to get myself on a schedule – like the baby. 

And I need to have some time to be with my husband and baby.   Awake.   During the day.  When we can just be a family and enjoy each other outside of work and at a time when I don’t just want to say “take her I’m going to bed”.   

I know if Steve was writing this he would say he wants those same things.   He wants to feel some relief from the pressure of he needs to do  more in the office so I can do less.  He wants to feel that he has time he can spend with us too, without sacrificing running appointments and overall sales.    I know he feels the weight of the world on his shoulders.   I want to sit with him and brainstorm and work together to keep the business moving forward.  It is what we have done for years and it is weird for both of us to have me not able to do that right now.

Really, all I want is what we have.   To be blissfully aware of this amazing gift we have been given and to enjoy every moment with her – especially  while she is so very small.   I want us to remain grateful and thankful to each other for what the other is doing.   We are a team and even though our roles have shifted a bit, we are still the strongest when we work together.  

Monday we are hosting both of our families to celebrate his birthday (and a few others).    He would rather ignore his birthday but I just can’t do it.  I want to force him to take time off – to be surrounded by people who are happy to be with him and are happy that he was born.  Good food, good company, and good solid family time.   That is really what it’s all about, right?